Etiquette guide for ‘plus ones’: who do you invite?

Putting together your guest list can sometimes be quite a puzzle. This includes deciding which of your invitees can bring a ‘plus one’ to your party. In this article, you'll find our guide to who you might want to award a plus one, how to communicate that and how to -empathically- say no if someone still asks for a plus one. Read on quickly!

Photo (above): Photographer: Magic Flash Photo

What is a ‘plus one’?

A plus one is someone who accompanies an invitee to a party or event, when that person is allowed to bring an additional guest. In most cases, a plus one is the invitee's partner. Exceptionally, it can also be a friend or family member if, for example, the invitee needs support or does not know anyone else at the party. So, if you are invited to a wedding party and you get a plus one, you are allowed to bring an extra person -usually your partner-.

Who do I invite as a plus one or not?

Do you and your partner find it difficult to decide when to invite a plus one or not? Fortunately, there are some rules you can follow:

Married, engaged and cohabiting guests

The general rule is that married, engaged and cohabiting guests are allowed to bring their partner. However, depending on the situation, you can make exceptions to this. For example, if you invite your colleagues to your reception, and you don't know their partners, you don't necessarily have to invite them. Your colleagues are bound to have fun with each other at your party.

Your suitors

Your suit members, including your witnesses, bridesmaids and groomsmen, are probably your closest friends and closest relatives. So chances are you already know their plus one (well). The suit members will flank you throughout your wedding day, and may have been assigned a helping role in your script. With their partner by their side, they will shine even more brightly in your photos!

Master of ceremonies Karolien Janssens from Trouwburo Karo does add some nuance: "As a bride and groom, it is of course essential that you feel comfortable with the people who will be accompanying you all day. If you prefer not to have the plus one of one of your suit members present for personal reasons, that is a legitimate choice."

Lay down and communicate clear rules

For all other invitees, it is best to discuss this issue in advance, with your fiancé. Together, lay down some criteria for your ‘plus one management’. Apply the same rules to everyone, so no one feels disadvantaged - and communicate them clearly.

Some examples: Single guests are not allowed to bring a plus one. A guest can bring their (new) partner if...

• ...they have been ‘dating’ long enough in your eyes (tip: stick a concrete number of months on this);
• ...they are ‘officially’ in a relationship (you may want to avoid the ‘it's complicated’s);
• ...one or both of you have met this person before.

Karolien from Trouwburo Karo gives another option: "A plus one can be present from the beginning, or can also join later. For example, you can choose that plus ones are welcome for the evening party, while you prefer to keep the ceremony intimate. The invitee may then choose to come later. If you mind, it is best to still invite the plus one along."

Karolien continues, ‘Also discuss with your partner what to do if a guest's relationship ends before your wedding day. Do you indicate that they can bring a new plus one, or does it expire?"

You choose

It is your wedding party, so ultimately it is also your choice who you want or cannot invite to your party. Every wedding is different, and you may be bound by a venue capacity or budget. Therefore, don't feel obliged to give certain guests a plus one. First and foremost, discuss with your partner who you definitely want to have there at which times.

How do I make it clear who is allowed to bring a plus one?

Make sure it is clear whether a guest can bring a plus one or not. That way everyone knows without a doubt who is invited, they don't have to ask you again, and they don't bring a plus one when they weren't meant to...

Via your invitations

If someone is allowed to bring a plus one, the best way to make this clear is via the invitation. First of all, write the exact names of the invitees on the envelopes. For example, do not write ‘Family D'Hondt’ if the plus one or children are not invited. Instead, address only those who are allowed to come. If you don't know the name of the plus one, write ‘Marie and partner’.

Karolien from Trouwburo Karo tips: ‘ Only write ’and partner' if the invitee actually has a partner at that moment. Some couples sometimes think that a guest who is currently single might have a partner by the time of the wedding party. If this is not the case, the invitee may reason that someone extra may still come along. This could then be a regular friend or a sister. If you do not want to open the door to this, it is best to write the effective name of the invitee."

With RSVP cards

If you want to leave it up to your guests whether they bring a plus one, you can add an RSVP card to the invitation. On this, your guest can indicate whether or not they will bring a plus one, and enter the plus one's name on it. However, if you do not provide a plus one, you can work with RSVP cards on which your guest can only confirm his or her own presence. You can also have both versions of the cards printed, and then add them to the appropriate invitations.

With an online RSVP tool

Easier and more modern than working with RSVP cards is to use an online RSVP tool. When your guests confirm their attendance online on this, they see whether they have been assigned a plus one or not, and fill in the necessary details for this. You immediately get all the info about the attendees when you ‘RSVP’, and your guest list is automatically up to date.

How do I say no if someone does ask if they can bring a plus one?

Be prepared, some guests might still ask if they can bring a plus one. Remember: even though it is sometimes hard to say no, there is absolutely no need to feel guilty about this. It's your wedding; only you and your partner decide who you invite, and who you don't.

So you are allowed to be firm in your response. Always remain empathetic and polite, and - in case of a ‘no’, and if you want to - explain why you cannot invite his plus one. This way, you can tell that you have the same rules for everyone, and that you need to draw a line somewhere. If necessary, explain why you and your partner chose to limit the number of guests - for example, because you wish to celebrate your wedding in an intimate setting, or because your budget or room capacity does not allow you to invite extra guests.

Karolien adds, "Remember that you are the boss of your guest list and, above all, you can follow your feelings. You can give your guests a reason if you want, but you don't have to answer for this."

With this plus one guide, you and your fiancé will hopefully be well on your way to putting together your guest list. Read additional tips to get that guest list completely on point here!

Read more on this topic via these links...

• Make it easy on yourself and your guests: choose an online RSVP!
• Sending your wedding invitation according to the rules of etiquette? Here's how to do it!
• Get started with your guest list!
• 5 tips for beautiful wedding stationery