Photo (above): Wedding Planner: C Events - Photographer: LUX Visual Storytellers
Article in collaboration with Nina Mouton
Are you afraid of losing sight of yourself?
It is completely normal to have a little cold feet before your wedding; to feel the need to maintain your own identity in your relationship or marriage, to want enough time for yourself as well as to share enough common interests with your partner.
On the other hand, if you feel a real fear of losing yourself in your relationship or marriage, you probably have an ‘avoidant’ attachment style. Nina outlines, "Some people are so afraid of losing themselves that they cannot and dare not give themselves completely in their marriage. They always leave a loophole open somewhere, because they don't want to feel ‘stuck’. If you recognise yourself in this fear, it is definitely interesting to discuss it with your partner and/or a psychologist."
The four attachment styles
According to Nina, psychology talks about four attachment styles:
Secure attachment: Individuals who come from a safe and warm nest, were given enough autonomy to develop themselves and yet always had an adult to catch them when needed, are called ‘securely attached’. They can handle feedback, are close to themselves, are self-confident and resilient. They are ‘powerfully vulnerable’.
Anxious attachment: If someone comes from a more ‘unsafe’ nest, we call them ‘anxiously attached’. Their needs as children were responded to inconsistently, and they often felt abandoned. Anxiously attached individuals have separation anxiety and a need for affirmation. They do not want to be alone, go (too) far in relationships and do everything they can to keep their partner with them. They feel their emotions well, but these can also overwhelm them.
Avoidant attachment: Individuals who are ‘avoidant attached’ also come from an insecure nest. They are independent in life, want to be autonomous and rely only on themselves, as they used to have no one to look after them. They have learned to pretend to be strong, are not in touch with their emotions and are go-getters. In relationships, they are afraid of losing their autonomy completely, leading to this so-called ‘bonding anxiety’.
Dis-organised attachment: This last category has both ‘avoidant’ and ‘separation anxiety’ characteristics. Only five per cent of people fall under this. This attachment style often stems from a history of severe trauma.
Opposites attract
While two avoidant attached persons are more likely to avoid a relationship or marriage, and anxious attached persons will both bring (too) much emotion, the opposites ‘avoidant’ and ‘anxious’ often attract each other. Nina explains, "An anxious attached person is usually going to initiate the relationship, taking the avoidant attached person into it. These opposites look up to each other, with one thinking, ‘You are so strong and can do all that on your own,’ while the other thinks, ‘You can allow help; I will help you.’ These individuals complement each other enormously well. However, being opposites can sometimes become a source of frustration. The anxious person starts ‘chasing’ the other, causing the avoidant one to take a step backwards. This keeps going in an attachment dance of running away and chasing, of bonding anxiety and separation anxiety. This can be hugely energising and leads -again- to an insecure nest. What a person saw in their first relationship with their parents is often repeated...’
Getting married may give the separation-anxious person a (false) sense of security. Nina: "Who wants to go further and further in the relationship, but even married, divorce can still follow. Actually, as an anxiously attached person, you need to let go of the fact that the other person is ‘yours’. You cannot ‘own’another person ; with that mindset, you get a toxic relationship. The attachment anxious person will try to walk away, trying to delay the connection. The greater the pressure, the more it will take a step back and think, ‘This is definitely not how I want to get married.’"
Staying put to move on
Actually, the fearfully attached and avoidantly attached person are both essentially afraid. This fear is not set in stone and can also change. Nina: "In your previous relationship, you may have been bond anxiety, while now you have separation anxiety. What dynamics are at play with you? It could be that the roles are reversing. If you keep seeing the same dynamic, you can actively work on it. How? By no longer running away and following; that is endless. Actually, you both need to stand up, face your fear and talk about it: ‘What do I need, what do you need and how are we going to work on our fears together?’ If both of you are open to working on a safe relationship or marriage, you are doing SO much work. You are building a safe nest together - if you have children (later), that is a huge strength for them too."
So getting married, living together or having children will not solve your anxiety, but you can make your relationship or marriage safer - especially by doing personal -and together- work. Nina: "With that, know that there is absolutely no shame in going to couples therapy, even as an engaged or newlywed couple. Many people are afraid of this and think, ‘Oy, we've only just got married -or not yet-and are “already” going to couples therapy...’ However, it doesn't matter at which stage of the relationship you go into therapy. On the contrary, it will help you move forward in each step."
About Nina Mouton
- Nina Mouton is a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, author, speaker, columnist, mildness expert, creative thinker and mum. She is the authority on self-care and gentle parenting - topics she has written several bestselling books on and created online tracks around. For Nina, self-care is the beginning of everything: ‘You can only really connect with yourself and others around you if you can take care of yourself. That's where it starts. And for that we need to really know ourselves."
Read more on this topic via these links:
'I'm getting married! Now what? How to deal with stress, pressure and expectations when planning your wedding party, according to Nina Mouton
- I'm getting married! Now what? Finding your place in marriage, according to Nina Mouton
- Nerves? How to avoid extra stress
- First aid: first aid for (wedding) organisation!
